Teenage affair...missionary style

I was 15, still in high school and a good girl who had next to no experience with boys or men. I had started to develop a woman's figure and I was pretty (although I believed I was plain looking and too skinny!) So when 19 year old male missionaries were posted to my ward I started to realise I was being looked at. In particular one from Utah, Elder M was literally starting out his 2 years of Gods work. You can imagine the attraction for us, me a good little English girl, him a good looking confident American

He and I would catch moments to talk in hallways after meetings, Id see him trying not to look in my direction, that made me even more curious and within weeks he was informed by my best friend H that I had a little crush. I was mortified, I embarrassed easily and must have seemed ripe for the pickings! He wasted no time in pursuing me.

Now I hear you ask 'how do you have a relationship with such strict rules regarding companions?'

Lucky for me, my best friend H was as obsessed with the companion who turned out to be even more corrupt then Elder M and was more then happy to seduce a teenage girl and have some fun... (they got found out and he was sent home disgraced).

We had no problem finding opportunities to see each other, they rented the basement flat of a church couple who regularly needed babysitters. And why would the couple have any reason to distrust two good mormon girls? Or Gods good-looking, sassy, manipulative and sexually frustrated teenage missionaries?

The first evening is my most vivid memory. Even 20 years later I can remember sitting on Elder M's lap while we kissed and teased each other, it was the first time I had felt a man aroused by me. It was a strange feeling of satisfaction, sin, shame, and pride.

Other rendezvous were hosted by a very strange new couple that had been 'converted' by the Elders (I wonder now was it all part of a plan so we had somewhere to meet). I was taken to the hallway for kisses and cuddles. This soon turned into a game of seduction on his part. My top would come up and my tummy and small breasts were fondled as he begged to go down on me. I was a good girl and god fearing, I was able to resist and he had enough respect for me to not push for more.

We had fallen in love. I was still technically a child, him nearly 20 years old. He had broken his promises to God by pursuing me.

We had 6 months together, in secret, playing this game of seduction, resisting sex only made it more exciting. When he moved areas it all came out, he was forgiven by the church because we hadn't had sex. I was never spoken to by a church leader, a teacher or anyone. I was ignored by many, that was my punishment, ostracised as if I were a crack whore. Only my mother took me aside to tell me how disappointed she was in me. Which I found hard to understand, I had only fallen in love.

For a few months after that Elder M wrote me letters and I had the occasional phone call, all in secret as we used a school friends address. He seemed to love me back and we wanted a life together. With 16 months remaining until his mission ends we agreed to stop contact, so he could focus on preaching and me on school. I worked hard for 16 months and saved nearly £2000.00 to run off to Utah and get married. I had no idea in those 16 months if I would ever actually talk to Elder M again but I enjoyed having the dream.

I am now 17, I had had boyfriends, I had started to live my life. Then I got the phone call... it was Elder M. He was due to finish his mission and he had gotten permission to meet with me before he flew back to Utah. I was over the moon, firstly that he still wanted me and secondly that I would finally be validated for my 'sin' and show the world it was love not lust.

We were allowed to meet for an hour with my parents present at the temple grounds in East Grinstead, London, England. My mum helped me buy a new dress and shoes (it may as well had been my wedding day in my eyes!). It was surreal, here was the man I had waited for, he was right in front of me, eyes wide with love and lust (I looked good haha) but I was growing, I was not that kid anymore.

My parents, myself and Elder M sat and chatted but it was clear we needed to be alone and my father gave us permission to walk to a bench and talk. Elder M held my hand, said he wanted a life with me and then asked me 'do you still love me?'

I froze, I couldn't speak. And at that very moment, the bubble burst. I took too long to answer and it was clear my feelings had changed. He looked broken, devastated. I felt so sad I tried to explain but the damage was done. I realise now it was my immaturity (and rightly so at only 17) that dictated my feelings, I couldn't love, I hadn't the capacity yet.

He left, we tried to email and call a few times but everything fizzled out. I was upset, I still believed in us but he didn't after the rejection at the temple.

I spent 20 years wondering what it was, was it love, was I groomed and used as play thing, a distraction for him? So 20 years later I decided it was time to find out...