First steps

So my life and my past creep up into my mind every now and then. Lately it’s been almost daily. A lot of people say the past should be left there, and only move forward, I like to believe that but I find it increasingly difficult as the years go on. Maybe it’s because I am at a point in life where I am questioning everything. i Am struggling to find inner peace. some days I read too much into something, like why a certain song played on the radio that reminds me of that boy when I was 16, or I’m watching a documentary about a disastrous family life which turns out they were all Mormons, (as I roll my eyes because I could see it before it even got mentioned).

I see other friends my age, mid 30s, settled and starting families. These are good friends they are honest about the struggle but it’s not like where I am at. The husband doesn’t put the hoover round once or brings the wrong bread home. These are normal problems. I wish these were my problems.

when you are married (religious pressure, no sex, two hot blooded teenagers) 6 months after meeting your husband aged 19, pregnant by 21, it’s no wonder it failed. But no one could have prepared me for what this marriage would do to me and the scars it would leave on my soul forever.

so many years have passed but I only just telling the ones who care for me now, my darkest moments, my inner and deepest thoughts and fears. Is it true it can help to share these memories? I’m not so sure now, because it has sent me on a journey I never imagined I would be on, one of love, pain, longing, passion, selfishness, indifference. I hardly recognise myself compared to 5 years ago. And 10 years ago, well that girl is gone. And in her place a new me, a harder, less caring, less stable but more understanding of myself. Have all these years been about finding her? Is this what I am doing? I mean it sounds like a good idea but Unfortunately I have children and partner who love me dearly and completely. Sadly I am realising they cannot come on this journey with me. On an emotional level that was ok, he knows I need space and independence, but now my path takes a new turn, a more dangerous one. One that might destroy all I know today, and all he loves. How do you hurt someone you love so deeply? Someone who saved you in your hour of need. Who was there for you through everything. But if I am to become the strong woman I feel I was destined to be, I need to be able to save myself, don’t I?